Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Here we go again...

It has been way too long since I last blogged. I don’t have any excuses…just that it’s summer and I’ve been busy. But you’d think that by now, I’d be down at least 20 pounds, right?....with all that motivation I had when I started this blog…all that “I can do this!!” attitude…all that “This is the last straw…I’m sick of being fat!” way of thinking…and that God awful picture of FAT JEN I talked about. Well guess again!! I weigh the same as I did two months ago. Oh, and it gets better!...I’ve had NUMEROUS pictures taken of me in the last several weeks that rival that so-called “low point picture” I referenced awhile back. So what’s my problem? I don’t know! I guess it’s just human nature to set goals, shoot for the stars, talk yourself into things, but then slip back into what’s comfortable or easy. BUT…to give myself some credit, I have to point out that slipping isn’t exactly what I’ve done.

Yes, I’ve slacked off with the exercising and the food here & there, but honestly…I’ve been very conscientious of what I’m eating and how much. I’ve done an Isagenix cleanse and used the meal replacement shakes…although not religiously, but close enough. Yet, I haven’t budged even 1 pound! What the hell?!? Isn’t this the observation most women make when trying to lose weight when they realize it’s pointless to try?!...if I’m not going to lose any weight by doing what I’m supposed to, then I’ll just eat/do what I want. But then what happens?...we gain weight!! I don’t get it…seriously!! Why does it take so long (or not at all) to lose even 1 pound, but literally minutes to gain 5 pounds?

Well…you no longer have to wonder what the mystery is…I’ve figured it out. I’m a God damn genius!! (My inspiration in that last sentence was Forrest Gump: “God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160.”) The problem is this -- Me, and many other chubby women in this world, are simply victims of a (insert age here) year old, mother of (insert number of children here)’s shitty metabolism. Ta-Da!! Do I get a prize for figuring that out? No?...what do you mean that’s OLD news?!? Damn!

As much as I’d like to think I’m still 20-something…I’m not. As much as I like to act like I’ve just graduated from High School…that was a long time ago. It’s that simple.

“So Jen,…. you chubby, wanna-be genius, now in the ‘women over the age of 35’ category…what are you going to do now?” you ask. Well, I’m going to jump on the HCG bandwagon. Yay me!! who previously thought I would never try it has now crossed over into the mindset of “Holy Shit!! lost 20 pounds in 15 days?!?...sign me up!!!” I bought my 45-day supply earlier today and officially start tomorrow. And I’m really, really excited. I’ve even put together one of those lame-ass, cheesy vision boards that so many people use. But rather than being positive, mine has more of a constructive criticism feel to it. It’s actually quite funny…I've included all the pictures of myself I hate and point out my fatness as a daily reminder of what I DON’T want to look like. (I’ll post that here in a couple days so you all can see what I’m talking about…also because I’ve talked enough for today.)

So, here’s to HCG!! The miracle substance which adheres to the pee stick to tell women they’re pregnant…may it work it’s magic with me and help me go from being chubby to F#@$ing Hot!!!

Note to self: Keep blogging! Writing/typing keeps my mind off the fact that my stomach is growling.