Friday, May 15, 2009

Chins & Cankles

I almost think it would be better if I had been chubby my whole life, because then it wouldn’t be so hard accepting myself as I am now. But because I grew up not chubby (I won’t use the word “normal” because who knows what that means) and was very fit & thin (and HOT) in my 20’s, the person that I am in my head is not who I am on the outside.

I truly want to lose weight to be healthy. Really! Being skinny is not a good look for me because I'm "big boned" and have a somewhat muscular build. But if I could be vain for a moment and talk about all the physical reasons why I want to lose weight…just humor me and listen up…because although it sounds like I’m beating myself up here, these things are actually pretty damn funny. If you’re chubby now, or ever have been, you'll laugh.

Physical aspects of a chubby body (from head to toe) that are uncomfortable, unattractive, cause problems and that I just don’t like:

1. double chin -- This usually sneaks up on you and isn't apparent until you see a photo of yourself, so then you're forced to constantly be on the lookout for cameras at social gatherings.
2. back fat -- (I've already covered that)
3. fat arms -- Gone are the days when you can wear tank tops or cap-sleeve shirts with confidence. You usually have to bust out the seams in the sleeves so you can fit your chubby upper arms into the arm holes.
4. fat armpits -- I didn't even know this was possible, but trust is.
5. belly fat -- When you sit down and can actually feel the underside of your boob touch your gut…that's a problem!
6. thighs -- They resemble giant hams. I know there’s some muscle under there somewhere.
7. fat knees -- I don't even remember the last time I wore a pair of shorts. Nowadays, I'm confined to the capri pant...exposing only my svelte ankles (thank God I don't have cankles (see next item)…otherwise capris would be out too).
8. cankles -- As I just mentioned, I haven't experienced this phenomenon of calves & ankles blending together, but I've seen girls who have...ugh!

As a thin person, you take for granted that the above mentioned body parts (and a few others that I chose not to mention) will always be of reasonable size…or that they simply won’t exist at all. I know I did. So those of you who aren’t chubby, let this be your warning. Enjoy your skinny armpits and singular chin because they might not always be that way. And for those of you, like me, who have some weight loss goals you have to achieve…God speed!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Positive Thinking

Last week, a friend read my blog and loved it. Then she sent me a FB email. She explained that she wanted to comment, but hesitated in doing so because she is one who always thinks positively and tries to find the bright side of everything. Given my sarcasm in my blog, as well as a history of cynical FB conversations, she assumed that I was not a fan of positive thinking.

I responded to her as follows:

Please don't think that I don't ever want to hear what you have to say. I'm actually a lot like you in that I too try to focus on the positive side of all things because being negative & down in the dumps about everything is unhealthy, unproductive, and just plain stupid. I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason...I think we all have to learn from life, even the shitty parts...and that it's only up to us to change what we don't like. So please know that I'm definitely ok with you commenting on that type of thing...I want everyone and anyone to comment on my blog posts.

With that being said, I'm also a major smart-ass. The negative & cynical things I say...not only in my blog but in person as well...are my way of dealing with life. I'm not a pessimist nor an optimist - I'm a realist...and sometimes reality sucks!! So sarcasm helps me deal with it.

Even though this blog might sound like I'm out to have a pity party, that's not my intention. I'm certainly not the type of person to sit around and think "poor me"...especially with my weight issue. I'm just so sick of being fat...yet, I'm the only one who can change it. The blog posts are the outward display of what's going on inside my head...the constant inner conflicts I have as I go from one thought of being positive and thinking "ok, I really want to be thin...I can do this...I'm GOING to do this!" 5 minutes later when I think "oh who gives a shit?!?...I'm just gonna be fat for the rest of my where's the next Del Taco?"

I don't keep a journal at home because I just don't have the attention span to sit down and hand-write my feelings out every night. So I decided that I was gonna type them out in the form of a blog. It's meant to be therapeutic & funny at the same outlet for me to basically get angry at myself...angry enough to finally get a fire lit under my ass to lose weight!! It's also meant to (hopefully) entertain my friends, family, and others who might stumble upon it.

So please know that I welcome ALL comments, regardless of the tone.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

In case you're wondering...

...I AM currently doing something to try to lose weight. I've tried a lot of things in the past with some success (Weight Watchers, low-carb, Isagenix, cabbage soup, starvation). I figured my next step would be to either start smoking meth or buy a tape worm on the Internet. But after some serious thought, I came to the conclusion that I’d just end up being a fat meth user…so what’s the point of that?...I’d have bad skin, no teeth, twitches and still be chubby. A tape worm would work but I’m really not a fan of vomiting or shitting my pants, so I guess that’s out too. I felt the best & had the best results when I was using Isagenix. And hey…I still have a lot of that stuff around the house, so I decided I’d go with that.

It’s only been about a solid week of an honest effort and so far…pretty good. Except yesterday, I started out doing well in the morning. But when a co-worker came in and offered me a cookie, I couldn’t say no. (I don’t practice a specific religion, but I’m beginning to think that maybe I DO have a religion – one that doesn’t allow me to turn down baked items.) I hesitated for a second or two…but then I caught sight of the delicious, white chocolate, macadamia nut, disc-shaped object and thought “Yeah…that would go great with my Isagenix meal replacement shake!” Needless to say, I enjoyed the cookie with much delight…but I didn’t let it get me down…I finished the day off well.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Who the hell is that fat person?!?

When you slowly gain weight over time, you build up a "tolerance" for yourself. Looking in the mirror each day becomes routine and you get used to what you see. You know that you've put on some pounds, but you still feel pretty good. Then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or window or photo and when you do, you think "Who the hell is that lard ass?" When you realize that the fat girl is leaves you speechless. I've had this happen to me many times over the past few years and have accumulated quite the collection of photos I don't let anyone see. (I'm like an enigma...I exist but there's very little photographic proof.)

Recently, Shawn & I went to a club/bar where a big group of friends were celebrating two other friends' birthdays. I drank, danced, laughed, and overall...had a great time. And I got away from there, so I thought, without any full body photos taken of me...I limit my photo opps to head shots only!! A few days later, I log on to Facebook and see that I've been tagged in a few pics from the party. There was one that was really cute of me & my friend Heather...I liked it. But the next one was awful...I looked like a toad!!...a dancing toad! I untagged myself from the pic so that no one would see it. But I did save it for myself to look at as a reminder of what I need to do to change my life. In fact, it was this picture that I would consider the "straw that finally broker the camel's back" regarding my weight issue. (Must've been a really strong camel because there have been many unflattering pictures before this one.) So for that, I must thank the friend who posted it on FB. And no matter how many times I've looked at the picture since the party or will look at it in the future, there's no way I'm going to ever learn to "tolerate" it.

Note: I'd post the picture here, but can't bring myself to do it. A couple months down the road after I've lost some weight, I think I'll start posting some 'before' shots.

skinny vs. thin vs. fit

I guess it's not necessarily that I want to be skinny. I don't want to look like some kind of waif who is in desperate need of a sandwich. I just want to be thinner than I am about 60-80 pounds. I also want very much to get back into the great physical shape I was in in my mid-twenties when I was going to the gym five times a week. Many times I'll talk myself out of this goal for it being 'unrealistic' to look the way I did back then...but then I figure "Why the hell not?!?" Aren't the 30's the "new 20's"? And the 40's the "new 30's"? (So on and so forth until society is finally able to be happy with itself at any age.) I have several friends who are in FANTASTIC physical shape...probably more so now than they were 10-15 years ago. I have great muscle tone...I know it's all there under the layers of nacho-infused I'm sure it will be easy to get it to come back around. I just need to do it!!!

Blogging Virgin

I've wanted to start a blog for some time now -- today I got around to actually doing it! And this is my first time, so I'm not exactly sure what to bear with me.

Knowing that I wanted it to be about being chubby, I wanted to come up with a title that was creative & funny. I was chatting with my friend Jen (, throwing around some ideas. She came up with "Baby Got Back" and I instantly thought of "Baby Got Back Fat" was perfect!! So thank you, Jen Ho-ho-knee, for your help in creating a funny title.

Why is 'Back Fat' so perfect in my blog title? Because when I discovered that I actually had back fat, which was right after I had my first child, I realized that it was official -- I was fat!! That day was a tough one. I was at Nordstrom trying on bras...enormous bras because I had recently had a baby and although I was no longer breast feeding, my boobs were still huge. I was in the fitting room surrounded by mirrors, checking out the rear view fit of a bra and holy shit!...what did I see?...back fat!!! I couldn't believe it! I knew that I had put on some weight, but c'mon...back fat?!? EWWWWW! I cried.

That day, although sad, was a turning point for me - my brain switched into uber determination mode...determined to lose some weight. I was enrolled in Weight Watchers at that time and had been doing okay...but not my new found determination was very beneficial to me. I literally didn't have to try to not eat...I didn't feel starved or deprived...I didn't secretly long for cookies or nachos or cookies...I just didn't want it. It was amazing!! And I actually lost a lot of weight...for two weeks. This amazing sense of willpower that seemed so natural had run out. Dammit!! And I was just starting to really look and feel good. So that's the other part of my dilemma - my reason for starting this voice the frustration of inconsistencies in my motivation & willpower. If back fat can't keep me from eating everything in sight and send me into high gear for losing weight, what the hell will?

Fast foward 7 years. My first baby...the one who was responsible for my introduction to back fat (yes, I'm blaming it on her!) will be in the 2nd grade this fall, and my 2nd child will be in Kindergarten. And I'm still fat!!...even fatter!! I can no longer use the excuse "I just had a baby" (for obvious reasons), nor can I blame things on a jacked up thyroid or anything like that. Having babies does screw up your body, but that's a lousy excuse. So what's my problem?!? My back fat has doubled in size, my belly fat is expanding, my arms are as big as my head, and my thighs look like giant hams!!! (Thank you Stef for the ham thigh idea.) I'm completely out of shape...all flappy and waggley (Anne...thank you)...and I'm only 36 years old. Something has got to change!!

So there you have it: my reasons for creating this blog. To vent, bitch, and moan about my weight...but not to just hear myself talk. I'm expecting this blog to be therapeutic, to allow me to laugh at myself, and to hold me accountable to those who read it (even if it's just a couple of friends) to finally lose some weight and get in shape. And if I get others piping in to do the same about their own struggle...great. If people have tips, ideas, words of encouragement for me...that's great too. So here I go!!

Damn, all this typing has made me hungry...pass the nachos.