Sunday, August 23, 2009

Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's...nachos.

I’m wondering if one could actually covet food. I mean…I know all about the not coveting your neighbor’s wife (or husband) rule, but I didn’t think it could actually extend to food. One can crave food or be “in the mood” for food…but can a person truly covet food? Well…let’s talk through this for a second.

The definition of covet is “to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others; to wish for, esp. eagerly”.

In the words of Hannibal Lecter (although a creepy guy, still brilliant) “And how do we begin to covet, Clarice? Do we seek out things to covet? No. We begin by coveting what we see every day. Don't you feel eyes moving over your body, Clarice? And don't your eyes seek out the things you want?”

Okay…so given all that, can a person covet food? HELL YES!!!

That was kind of a no-brainer question, but I still had to talk through it. Now, the bigger question…the frustrating, aggravating question is this: Why do we covet what we know we can’t or shouldn’t have? So in terms of food, why do we covet the foods we’re not allowed to eat?...foods that have made us fat in the first place?...foods that are so good that you don’t know if you’re supposed to eat it or roll around naked in it because it’s easily comparable to sex?

On the HCG diet, I’m not starving…nor am I restricted to eating just a rice cake and a celery stick. I’m actually enjoying my daily ration of chicken, beef, white fish, lobster, crab or shrimp (thank God I’m not allergic to shell fish!...oh, there’s veal in there too as a choice, but I don’t eat veal), combined with my daily ration of cucumbers or tomatoes or asparagus (my 3 favorites lately). I even get to partake of some yummy fresh strawberries for a snack. So why, then, do I literally ache for a warm, chocolate chip cookie or a big slice of cake or a huge bowl of ice cream? Why do those things taste so damn good?

Who the hell made up the rule that all foods that taste really, really good - like a double cheese pizza, or nachos, or french fries, or cookies, or ice cream - have to be bad for you? I know, I know…”just eat them in moderation”. Well what the hell for?!? If something tastes great, why would I want to eat it only sometimes? That’s lame!!

I have literally gone through phases where I’ve discovered something I like to eat and then have eaten it for a week straight (or longer)!! Like the gourmet shrimp tacos I talked about here. (Go back to that post to get the details of how obsessed I became with those.) I remember when I first discovered the cinnamon melts at McDonald’s – I had at least one, if not two, every day as a mid-day “snack” for at least a week. Then there was that time I stopped at Gandolfo’s in Riverdale every day after work on my way home to have a double scoop of Farr’s black licorice ice cream. I think I did that for about a week. Truckstop nachos at Maverick – when I worked for Zions in WVC, I’d stop every day after work to eat them on my way home. Cookies from Parson’s bakery in Bountiful – OMG they are literally the best!! I went through a phase where I stopped there everyday, on my way home from work (commute from SLC) and I’d buy two cookies – butter pecan and white with walnuts and icing. Let’s see…what else? The cinnamon bread sticks from Papa John’s. I remember ordering them for delivery almost every night for about a week…those with an Italian Meat Trio pizza. I could go on and on with examples like these, but I’m sure you get the point. And I know what you’re thinking: GOOD GOD WOMAN, NO WONDER YOU HAVE A WEIGHT PROBLEM!!! I know…I know…what can I say?...I love food!! But in my own defense, I often eat when I’m not even hungry. I eat because I’m restless or bored. I eat because it’s a habit. I eat because it’s a comfort. And I eat when I’m really stressed out…and well, the last few years have been SHIT-TEEEEE!!!!!

Like most people, I’m an emotional eater. I never really thought I was, but in the last year…after working a very stressful and unfulfilling job…I realized that I did, in fact, rely on food to make me feel better. And it makes sense because it was during this time that I packed on the most weight. The phases from when I was commuting to SLC for work were not necessarily to numb the stress, but more for “something to do” while making the hour, often-longer-due-to-dumb-asses-who-wreck-on-the-freeway, drive home. It’s like I’ve somehow been brainwashed by the Mavericks in this state that I MUST have an enormous fountain soda and something edible with me at all times when behind the wheel.

So obviously, these phases of food gorging caught up with me and I soon found myself to be an “official” fat ass who recently jumped on the HCG bandwagon. And I’m really proud of myself for making that leap and staying with it. But it’s still so frustrating when I think about how I got here. Why didn’t I go through phases where I was craving something healthy, low calorie and low fat? I’m sure that a green salad with oil/vinegar wouldn’t have made my ass get so big. Or broiled halibut with just lemon juice – that would’ve helped me stay at a low, decent weight. These foods are good – I enjoy eating them. So why, then, am I eating these things in moderation and the other shit every day?!? Ugh!! Humans are retards sometimes…why do we do such stupid, bad-for-us shit??

So back to the warm, chocolate chip cookie or a big slice of cake or a huge bowl of ice cream that I find myself coveting on a regular basis. Am I partaking? Yes, occasionally, but only a little bit. It’s hard with kids and especially on the weekends…I have had bites of a cookie here and there…or ice cream…but it’s not the end of the world. I would be farther along in my weight loss if I hadn’t done those things, but I’m still doing very well. I’ve lost a total of 17 pounds and 12.5 inches in 21 days…and I feel great!!!

Friday, August 14, 2009

Just what in the hell is HCG?!?

I’ve had many people ask me about this HCG diet…this is the most popular question: ”Wouldn’t I lose weight anyway on a 500 calorie per day diet WITHOUT the HCG shots?” The answer is YES. But you wouldn’t lose weight for long and you’d literally be starving your body and your mind…you’d probably give up and gorge on everything in sight. So why, then, is the HCG so special? Well…I’m not an expert…nor do I get paid to endorse the product…but what I do know is this: the HCG hormone makes the abnormal fat in your body available, so the body begins living off that fat, which provides a source of energy, just as food does. Now…what the hell does that mean? Let me explain….

There are three types of fat in our body:

Structural fat - this fills the gaps between organs and acts as a sort of "packing material" for the body.

Normal reserves - the body draws upon this fat when nutritional intake is less than what the body demands.

Abnormal fat - abnormal and excessive accumulations are fixed deposits of fats throughout the body and cause obesity. **This kind of fat is also known as the LARD ASS FAT!!**

When exercising or restricting food intake, the body relies on and consumes the normal fat reserves. So obviously, if you were consuming only 500 calories per day without taking the HCG shot, you would initially lose your normal fat reserves. But once that reserve has been used up, the next fat in line is your structural fat…not the abnormal fat. For whatever reason, your body is not designed to be able to access your abnormal fat accumulations. Only in the case of extreme starvation will it turn to your abnormal fat for food. But if you’ve hit the point of extreme starvation, you’re most likely in a scenario that has long passed the point of losing weight for vanity or health reasons. Like…saaayyyy…. you’re anorexic, in which case you think 80 pounds on the scale is screaming FAT ASS!!! right at you so you’re pretty much shit out of luck regardless of what diet regimen you choose….or you’re stranded in the Alaskan wilderness in the winter and you’ve inadvertently eaten a poison berry that is slowly depriving your body of the nutrients it needs, in which case you’re totally fucked!! (no disrespect intended to Christopher McCandless…just stating the facts). You get my point, though, right? (All joking aside, can you imagine how hungry an Anorexic girl must be? I guess, though, it’s rare for an obese person to become an anorexic…it’s usually plain ole skinny girls or maybe not-so-skinny girls who become so obsessed by their weight that they turn into Anorexics…so I guess they probably wouldn’t have a lot of abnormal fat stored in their body anyway. But just knowing the process your body goes through to burn fat, they must be starving…all the damn time!! Talk about mind over matter!! Wow!!)

Anyway, back to the educational talk. Because your body cannot access your abnormal fat (lard ass) accumulations, this is where the use of the HCG hormone comes into play. The hormone (and no, it’s not a sex or a growth hormone) opens the way for the body to release the abnormal fat deposits and makes the fat available for consumption by the body, which provides a source of energy…just as if you were actually eating food…to the tune of 3,500 additional calories consumed each day by the body. This is why you’re not all that hungry while on the 500 calorie diet. And it just so happens that one pound of fat is equal to approximately 3,500 calories…hence, the reason you can lose up to at least one pound per day.


Does that clear some things up??

Oh, and another thing…you can either pay to have a doctor administer the shot for you or you can just buy the hormone yourself (from a reputable source) and inject it yourself. There are drops you can use, that you put under your tongue, but I’ve heard they’re not as effective as the shot. The hormone comes in powder form that you then have to mix with some special type of water before you can inject it. The needles are tiny…they’re insulin needles…barely noticeable. (Especially since you’re inserting them into the abnormal fat (lard ass) areas of your body.) The hormone has been around since the beginning of time and the method of using the hormone for losing weight has actually been around since the 1950’s…so it’s actually nothing new. But like every other kind of diet – the cabbage soup diet, the ice tea diet, the tape worm diet…oh wait, that last one never really took off, did it? – HCG has apparently had its ups and downs of fad-dome in the world of weight loss methods.


By the way, I’m on day 16 of taking the HCG shots and day 14 of the 500 calorie diet (first 2 days are “loading” days where you eat what you want) and I’ve lost 14 pounds!! I would be down more weight, but I had some slip-ups over the weekend…nothing major, but it did make me gain a pound back, then stay even for about 2 days, then started working it’s way back down again just yesterday. I figure if I hadn’t done that, I’d be down 18 pounds…but oh well…no biggie. Losing 14 pounds in 14 days is to be expected for HCG, so I’m on the right track.

Friday, August 7, 2009

French Fries and Donut Holes

So yeah…yesterday was a real test of my will power!! I had to take my kids to my grandpa’s house to be babysat for the day. On the way, we stopped at Artic Circle to get some lunch for them and my grandpa. As I took the bags of food from the drive up window order taker lady, I got a big whiff of the french fries. HOLY SHIT they smelled DE-LISH-US!!! French fries from Artic Circle kick ass!! And with the fry sauce, they kick even more ass!! I wanted to grab a few and throw them in my mouth, but I did not. I stood my ground and resisted their greasy, salty goodness. Had I been on any other diet, I would’ve eaten several. But I’m telling ya…this HCG thing can be a real bitch if you eat anything that isn’t on the list!! For example… On Wednesday, I went to lunch with some friends…we met at Pei Wei in Bountiful. It was a great choice because I knew I could order the lettuce wraps and still be pretty safe. But guess what happened when I got on the scale yesterday? I had gained 2 pounds back. WTF?? Are you serious?!? I figured there was probably a little bit of oil in the chicken, but I didn’t think it would have had such a drastic effect like that. I looked up the ingredients online and sure enough, wok oil is used to cook the chicken, shitake mushrooms and water chestnuts – so there were several things in there that aren’t on the list. (“Not on the List” has become a recurring theme lately…have you noticed?) I’ve been told by others that it’s imperative not to cheat in any way, shape, or form…but wow!…they weren’t kidding. So needless to say, yesterday I was hell bent on getting that 2 pounds back off.

After the Artic Circle, we headed on over to the grocery store to get grandpa a donut, because according to my 7 year old, he really likes donuts and having one would make him so happy. (Turns out, it was just part of her evil plan to get her a donut.) As we were walking through the bakery, I was overwhelmed by the smell of bread – something I haven’t ingested for 7 solid days now. We were headed to the donut case when I turned to my left, looked down and saw the most beautiful looking rolls…I said out loud “Oh man those orange rolls look so goo….OH MY GOD LOOK AT THOSE RASPBERRY ROLLS!!” Yes, I practically yelled it out…I couldn’t contain myself. Raspberry rolls with pink icing. Mmmmmmmmm….I wanted to eat one sooooooo bad. Had it been 2 weeks ago, I would’ve bought them and horked down at least 3 of them in the car. But not now…I can’t risk it. I stayed for about 15 seconds and held them, but that was all. The thought of “maybe I can take a bite, chew it up, then spit it out” crossed my mind, but I pushed it back down into the recesses of my brain. Focus!! We opted for the glazed donut holes for gramps and the girls and they too looked & smelled delicious. When we got to my grandpa’s house, I actually opened the donut holes container, got them real close to my face, and took in the biggest sniff I could manage. Then I sniffed again. Believe it or not, this method did sorta work at satisfying my desire to taste the yummy goodness of donut glaze. Then…again…the thought of “maybe I can take a bite, chew it up, then spit it out” creeped into my head. And I actually contemplated it for about 10 seconds. Seriously?!? I really thinking this is a good idea?? Hell NO!!...and here’s why. I remembered a recent “Intervention” episode I watched where the girl hadn’t actually swallowed food for some ridiculous amount of years so she got her nutrition through a feeding tube and a horse-sized syringe. And she would go to restaurants and family functions to eat…but she would chew the food, then spit it out into a cup. So she carried around a 32 oz. soda cup with her where ever she went and would spit her nasty, chewed up food into it. It was disgusting! I do not want to be that person, so I’ll just continue to sniff the fattening, carbo-packed foods that I desire but can’t actually ingest. That’ll have to do for now.

I finally found my way out of the house, into the car, and on my way to work. As I drove there, I thought about how proud I was for not giving in. I had passed the test, at least for that particular hour of the day. The rest of the day presented some temptations, but nothing major. I managed to make it into my bed and asleep last night without any mishaps…and that’s a good thing.

So I woke up this morning, weighed, and……SWEET!!...I lost those 2 pounds, plus another pound. That puts me at 13.3 pounds lost in 7 full days of being on the 500 calorie diet (9 full days of the HCG shot). Not too shabby!!!

“Nothing tastes as great as being thin feels.”
“Nothing tastes as great as being thin feels.”
“Nothing tastes as great as being thin feels.”

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Time to bust out the “Vision Board”

It has been 7 days since I started the HCG diet and so’s
fan-fucking-tastic!! The first 2 days don’t really count for weight loss, since they’re known as “Gorge” days, so that means since Friday I’ve lost 7 pounds!! Nice!! In the past, losing 7 pounds took me more than a month.

I’ve found it to be surprisingly easy. No, it’s not easy to not WANT to eat everything in sight…but it’s been easier than I expected to keep from ACTUALLY eating “no-no” foods. The diet, as some of you know, is incredibly boring. Although there is some variety in the meats and vegetables you get to choose from, you’re basically eating the same thing every day. And I think I’ve drank more iced tea in the last week than in the previous 12 months combined!! But what has surprised me the most is my ability to stick to it. If something’s not on the list of foods I can eat, I don’t eat it. Even sneaking a bite of the kids’ mac-n-cheese or Ramen noodles has been averted because that stuff isn’t on the list. With other diets, it’s easy to just sneak a bite of this or that, here and there, and simply count it as part of my daily, allotted points/calories. But because I’ve got such a strict diet to follow, I follow it. I’m actually doing what I’m being told!!! Wow!!...this is a BIG step for me. When I even think about eating something I’m not supposed to, I actually get all anxious…stressed out thinking that an angry HCG dwarf is going to come flying out of nowhere and swat said food out of my hand, then kick me in the ass and tell me “that’s not on the list, fatty!” And I’d rather not face that awkward moment of seeing a little person trying to reach my ass with his little foot (on his little leg), so I’ll just stick to the diet.

I’ve realized too that most/all the times I want to eat, I’m really not hungry. I’m either bored or restless. So I’ve been chewing a lot of gum and refilling my iced tea cup. And I keep those fatty pics in my head…reminding me of why I’m doing this.

But tonight was a little different. After dinner, I found that I was still hungry. I ignored the feeling…but it persisted. I’ve been ignoring it all night and am damn proud of myself. But I realized that it’s time to get the Vision Board out (actually, it’s an 8 ½ x 11 piece of paper) so I can look at it at times like these when I want to sneak just a bite of something I’m not supposed to have. Most people’s Vision Boards are positive in nature – they show pictures of what the person wants to attain and display healthy, uplifting statements or affirmations the person reads over and over. My Vision Board?...not so much. I decided to put a handful of pictures of myself on my Vision Board – pictures that I hate because they’re so dreadful. But then I went even further by inserting little text boxes that point out the things I don’t like.

For example…

“Nice gut!” (I'm sure the shot gunned beer you're holding has something to do with it.)

“Are you pregnant? Nice double chin!” (This is the infamous low point picture I've made reference to in the past. I remember thinking I looked pretty good that night...was out on the floor dancing...not too shabby. But when I saw this picture, I was appalled. Who was I kidding?!? I looked like a damn toad. And I wasn't dancing, I was either having a seizure or testing my skills at dancing like Elaine from Sienfeld!!)

“Back Fat!”. (My inspiration for this blog.)
I know that I'm probably being too hard on myself. But I figure if I'm not, who will be? I don't see it as being's more like constructive criticism.

I’m just being real!! And this is exactly the kind of push I need to get me through the next few weeks, then maintenance, then deep into the shots again. It's either this, or the angry LP who kicks my ass. I'd rather use the Vision Board.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Here we go again...

It has been way too long since I last blogged. I don’t have any excuses…just that it’s summer and I’ve been busy. But you’d think that by now, I’d be down at least 20 pounds, right?....with all that motivation I had when I started this blog…all that “I can do this!!” attitude…all that “This is the last straw…I’m sick of being fat!” way of thinking…and that God awful picture of FAT JEN I talked about. Well guess again!! I weigh the same as I did two months ago. Oh, and it gets better!...I’ve had NUMEROUS pictures taken of me in the last several weeks that rival that so-called “low point picture” I referenced awhile back. So what’s my problem? I don’t know! I guess it’s just human nature to set goals, shoot for the stars, talk yourself into things, but then slip back into what’s comfortable or easy. BUT…to give myself some credit, I have to point out that slipping isn’t exactly what I’ve done.

Yes, I’ve slacked off with the exercising and the food here & there, but honestly…I’ve been very conscientious of what I’m eating and how much. I’ve done an Isagenix cleanse and used the meal replacement shakes…although not religiously, but close enough. Yet, I haven’t budged even 1 pound! What the hell?!? Isn’t this the observation most women make when trying to lose weight when they realize it’s pointless to try?!...if I’m not going to lose any weight by doing what I’m supposed to, then I’ll just eat/do what I want. But then what happens?...we gain weight!! I don’t get it…seriously!! Why does it take so long (or not at all) to lose even 1 pound, but literally minutes to gain 5 pounds?

Well…you no longer have to wonder what the mystery is…I’ve figured it out. I’m a God damn genius!! (My inspiration in that last sentence was Forrest Gump: “God damn it, Gump! You're a god damn genius! This is the most outstanding answer I have ever heard. You must have a goddamn I.Q. of 160.”) The problem is this -- Me, and many other chubby women in this world, are simply victims of a (insert age here) year old, mother of (insert number of children here)’s shitty metabolism. Ta-Da!! Do I get a prize for figuring that out? No?...what do you mean that’s OLD news?!? Damn!

As much as I’d like to think I’m still 20-something…I’m not. As much as I like to act like I’ve just graduated from High School…that was a long time ago. It’s that simple.

“So Jen,…. you chubby, wanna-be genius, now in the ‘women over the age of 35’ category…what are you going to do now?” you ask. Well, I’m going to jump on the HCG bandwagon. Yay me!! who previously thought I would never try it has now crossed over into the mindset of “Holy Shit!! lost 20 pounds in 15 days?!?...sign me up!!!” I bought my 45-day supply earlier today and officially start tomorrow. And I’m really, really excited. I’ve even put together one of those lame-ass, cheesy vision boards that so many people use. But rather than being positive, mine has more of a constructive criticism feel to it. It’s actually quite funny…I've included all the pictures of myself I hate and point out my fatness as a daily reminder of what I DON’T want to look like. (I’ll post that here in a couple days so you all can see what I’m talking about…also because I’ve talked enough for today.)

So, here’s to HCG!! The miracle substance which adheres to the pee stick to tell women they’re pregnant…may it work it’s magic with me and help me go from being chubby to F#@$ing Hot!!!

Note to self: Keep blogging! Writing/typing keeps my mind off the fact that my stomach is growling.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Same shit, Different day!

I've been a total slacker lately!! I've not been blogging at all!! I've just been too damn busy eating. But I thought I'd still give a quick update on the status of my weight loss.

UPDATE: Nothing! That's right...nada!

This is no surprise, really...considering I've not been properly dieting or exercising. Since I last posted about the delicious shrimp tacos, I'm pretty sure I've consumed at least 10 of them. And that was all done in about one week's time. (Yes...the ARE that good.) I've still been active, but not nearly enough to burn off all the calories consumed with the shrimp tacos.

So...whatever! That's my attitude for today.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Shrimp, Bacon, and the "O-face"...

Because this blog is about weight loss, which is directly related to food, and because I love food so much, I felt compelled to share with you an experience I had this weekend with a new found food favorite. What I ate was so damn was practically orgasmic. "What, Jen, what? tell...what did you eat?" It was a gourmet shrimp taco from Rubio's - simple, yet one of the tastiest things I've had in recent months.

Here's the official description, taken from Rubio's menu: "Corn tortillas topped with toasted cheeses, habanero citrus salsa, grilled shrimp, crisp bacon, cilantro/onion, cotija cheese, creamy chipotle picante sauce and sliced avocado." Does that not sound delicious to you?

The best part was when I ordered. I told the girl behind the counter I wanted a shrimp taco, but one with avocados on then. She mentioned their gourmet tacos as having fresh avocado, then said "but they have little bits of bacon on them...if you like bacon". When she mentioned that, I do believe my mouth began to salivate. Then I thought: who DOESN'T like bacon? Bacon makes any & everything good. You could wrap a turd in bacon and I'll bet people would eat it. And to quote one of my favorite comedians, Jim Gaffigan: "Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community." Indeed, Jim...indeed.

So I proceeded with my order, which included 3 other fish tacos. (They were free, one per person, I had my two kids with me, so why the hell not 3 fish tacos?) When I actually got my food, I couldn't believe how beautiful the shrimp taco actually was...all laid out on the plate in a scrumptous display. I squeezed some fresh lime over it, put a small dab of fresh salsa and chipotle, then dug in. Wow!! It was so good! And I think I even said that out loud... "Wow!..damn that's good!" My children, of course, looked at me like I was crazy. But I didn't care...I was enjoying myself so much that I immediately made plans in my head to go order another. And that I did!! And the second taco was just as yummy as the first. The fish tacos were very good too (I ate one), but the shrimp gourmet tacos were the best...hands down.

I loved these tacos so much that I told my husband about them when I went home (he got the remaining two fish tacos) and my friend Stef about them when I saw her on Sunday. And now I'm telling you. You MUST try them. Even if you don't like shrimp - try the chicken or portabello mushroom - just try them!...they have BACON on them!...what more do you need as incentive?

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Baby Steps

Wow…it’s been awhile since I’ve “blogged”. (I feel so cool using that word.) What have I been up to? Well…I wish I could say that I’ve been so busy exercising and not eating and that I’ve lost 50 pounds, but that’s not the case - at least not to that degree. I HAVE been exercising and I HAVE been watching my food intake and I’ve lost 5 pounds (since I started the blog). Nice, eh? I know I’ve lost some inches too because pants that were once way too tight are now just sorta tight. And my ever-so-sexy “muffin top” has gone from an extra large Sam’s Club muffin to more of a regular sized store bought muffin. Baby Steps!!


I’ve been doing an assortment of things. (Yes, I’ve now used the words ‘intake’ and ‘assortment’…for those of you smart asses keeping track of lame words.) With the help of a friend, I started doing a weekly hike in North Ogden. Now…let me clarify. “Weekly” implies that I’ve been doing it every week, but we’ve been up only once. BUT…our intentions are to go again and make it a regular thing. “Hike” implies that we’re climbing up hill, but we’re actually going down hill. However, before you crack up, please know that going down hill is still a form of exercise. It requires one to move their muscles in a not-so-normal fashion, which gets the heart pumping and hopefully, the metabolism sped up. Health benefits aside, the best part of this exercise is being able to hang out with my friend for an hour or so to bitch about our fatness, laugh about stupid shit, pee in the woods (it makes us one with nature), and whatever else comes to mind.

What else? I’ve been going on bike rides with the same friend and my kids, which is great because they too are getting some much needed exercise. It’s nothing major…just a fun little stroll (add two more: ‘fashion’ and ‘stroll’) through Ogden. Oh, except for that time when I ran into a goddamn pole! Yes, I ran into a YELLOW pole. But I have a good explanation for it…I’ll explain some other time.

More? Yes!...can you believe it? I decided to start a Kickboxing class. Holy Shit!!...this thing is kickboxing my ass! It’s not one of those Tae-bo, kickbox aerobics classes…it’s a hard-core real karate class. I’ve been to it only twice now, but I’m committed to going twice a week for as long as it takes. The first week was brutal. I felt like a huge jack ass…there with a variety of males…from grown men my age to prepubescent, stinky, sweaty boys…all of whom take this karate stuff very serious. They all had on a color coded belt, indicating the level of pain they could inflict upon me if I were to accost them in a dark alley. And they bowed to the floor, to each other, and said weird stuff that I didn’t recognize. I was like “uh…yeah…I’m just here for the workout…am I allowed to rest when I get tired?” Within the first 20 minutes of overexertion, I was in the bathroom puking up everything that was in my stomach. I wanted to die! But I forged on! I made it to the end and was very proud of myself. Last night was my second time there and I think it was the best damn workout I’ve ever had in my entire life! I felt a little more at ease due to the fact that the instructor was female and one other participant was too. And I made sure that I didn’t eat before going...even for a few hours before…there was no way I was gonna be barfing again! Compared to week one, I made it through last night’s class a lot further before feeling like I was gonna pass out, so I see that as a big step. After doing front kicks, with my hands up in a defensive position, and yelling “hwah” with each kick, all the way across a HUGE gym, both ways, I spaghetti-legged it over to a bench. I wanted to be sitting down when my head exploded and my heart came shooting out of my chest. And as I sat there like a pathetic, out of shape fat ass…I wondered what the hell my problem was. I’m 36 years old! I should not be this out of shape!! Sad. So I’ve set a new goal for myself: stop drinking soda. Why? Because that’s part of what makes me gasp for air (oh, and I guess the fact that I haven’t physically exerted myself like this for at least 10 years had something to do with it too). So, as I stated before, I’m taking baby steps to become healthier, leaner, thinner, and by damn…hotter! So instead of the 32 oz diet coke that I normally drink each day, I opted (there’s another…’opted’) for the 21 oz diet coke. But I am jonesin’ for more!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Chins & Cankles

I almost think it would be better if I had been chubby my whole life, because then it wouldn’t be so hard accepting myself as I am now. But because I grew up not chubby (I won’t use the word “normal” because who knows what that means) and was very fit & thin (and HOT) in my 20’s, the person that I am in my head is not who I am on the outside.

I truly want to lose weight to be healthy. Really! Being skinny is not a good look for me because I'm "big boned" and have a somewhat muscular build. But if I could be vain for a moment and talk about all the physical reasons why I want to lose weight…just humor me and listen up…because although it sounds like I’m beating myself up here, these things are actually pretty damn funny. If you’re chubby now, or ever have been, you'll laugh.

Physical aspects of a chubby body (from head to toe) that are uncomfortable, unattractive, cause problems and that I just don’t like:

1. double chin -- This usually sneaks up on you and isn't apparent until you see a photo of yourself, so then you're forced to constantly be on the lookout for cameras at social gatherings.
2. back fat -- (I've already covered that)
3. fat arms -- Gone are the days when you can wear tank tops or cap-sleeve shirts with confidence. You usually have to bust out the seams in the sleeves so you can fit your chubby upper arms into the arm holes.
4. fat armpits -- I didn't even know this was possible, but trust is.
5. belly fat -- When you sit down and can actually feel the underside of your boob touch your gut…that's a problem!
6. thighs -- They resemble giant hams. I know there’s some muscle under there somewhere.
7. fat knees -- I don't even remember the last time I wore a pair of shorts. Nowadays, I'm confined to the capri pant...exposing only my svelte ankles (thank God I don't have cankles (see next item)…otherwise capris would be out too).
8. cankles -- As I just mentioned, I haven't experienced this phenomenon of calves & ankles blending together, but I've seen girls who have...ugh!

As a thin person, you take for granted that the above mentioned body parts (and a few others that I chose not to mention) will always be of reasonable size…or that they simply won’t exist at all. I know I did. So those of you who aren’t chubby, let this be your warning. Enjoy your skinny armpits and singular chin because they might not always be that way. And for those of you, like me, who have some weight loss goals you have to achieve…God speed!

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Positive Thinking

Last week, a friend read my blog and loved it. Then she sent me a FB email. She explained that she wanted to comment, but hesitated in doing so because she is one who always thinks positively and tries to find the bright side of everything. Given my sarcasm in my blog, as well as a history of cynical FB conversations, she assumed that I was not a fan of positive thinking.

I responded to her as follows:

Please don't think that I don't ever want to hear what you have to say. I'm actually a lot like you in that I too try to focus on the positive side of all things because being negative & down in the dumps about everything is unhealthy, unproductive, and just plain stupid. I know in my heart that everything happens for a reason...I think we all have to learn from life, even the shitty parts...and that it's only up to us to change what we don't like. So please know that I'm definitely ok with you commenting on that type of thing...I want everyone and anyone to comment on my blog posts.

With that being said, I'm also a major smart-ass. The negative & cynical things I say...not only in my blog but in person as well...are my way of dealing with life. I'm not a pessimist nor an optimist - I'm a realist...and sometimes reality sucks!! So sarcasm helps me deal with it.

Even though this blog might sound like I'm out to have a pity party, that's not my intention. I'm certainly not the type of person to sit around and think "poor me"...especially with my weight issue. I'm just so sick of being fat...yet, I'm the only one who can change it. The blog posts are the outward display of what's going on inside my head...the constant inner conflicts I have as I go from one thought of being positive and thinking "ok, I really want to be thin...I can do this...I'm GOING to do this!" 5 minutes later when I think "oh who gives a shit?!?...I'm just gonna be fat for the rest of my where's the next Del Taco?"

I don't keep a journal at home because I just don't have the attention span to sit down and hand-write my feelings out every night. So I decided that I was gonna type them out in the form of a blog. It's meant to be therapeutic & funny at the same outlet for me to basically get angry at myself...angry enough to finally get a fire lit under my ass to lose weight!! It's also meant to (hopefully) entertain my friends, family, and others who might stumble upon it.

So please know that I welcome ALL comments, regardless of the tone.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

In case you're wondering...

...I AM currently doing something to try to lose weight. I've tried a lot of things in the past with some success (Weight Watchers, low-carb, Isagenix, cabbage soup, starvation). I figured my next step would be to either start smoking meth or buy a tape worm on the Internet. But after some serious thought, I came to the conclusion that I’d just end up being a fat meth user…so what’s the point of that?...I’d have bad skin, no teeth, twitches and still be chubby. A tape worm would work but I’m really not a fan of vomiting or shitting my pants, so I guess that’s out too. I felt the best & had the best results when I was using Isagenix. And hey…I still have a lot of that stuff around the house, so I decided I’d go with that.

It’s only been about a solid week of an honest effort and so far…pretty good. Except yesterday, I started out doing well in the morning. But when a co-worker came in and offered me a cookie, I couldn’t say no. (I don’t practice a specific religion, but I’m beginning to think that maybe I DO have a religion – one that doesn’t allow me to turn down baked items.) I hesitated for a second or two…but then I caught sight of the delicious, white chocolate, macadamia nut, disc-shaped object and thought “Yeah…that would go great with my Isagenix meal replacement shake!” Needless to say, I enjoyed the cookie with much delight…but I didn’t let it get me down…I finished the day off well.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Who the hell is that fat person?!?

When you slowly gain weight over time, you build up a "tolerance" for yourself. Looking in the mirror each day becomes routine and you get used to what you see. You know that you've put on some pounds, but you still feel pretty good. Then you catch a glimpse of yourself in a mirror or window or photo and when you do, you think "Who the hell is that lard ass?" When you realize that the fat girl is leaves you speechless. I've had this happen to me many times over the past few years and have accumulated quite the collection of photos I don't let anyone see. (I'm like an enigma...I exist but there's very little photographic proof.)

Recently, Shawn & I went to a club/bar where a big group of friends were celebrating two other friends' birthdays. I drank, danced, laughed, and overall...had a great time. And I got away from there, so I thought, without any full body photos taken of me...I limit my photo opps to head shots only!! A few days later, I log on to Facebook and see that I've been tagged in a few pics from the party. There was one that was really cute of me & my friend Heather...I liked it. But the next one was awful...I looked like a toad!!...a dancing toad! I untagged myself from the pic so that no one would see it. But I did save it for myself to look at as a reminder of what I need to do to change my life. In fact, it was this picture that I would consider the "straw that finally broker the camel's back" regarding my weight issue. (Must've been a really strong camel because there have been many unflattering pictures before this one.) So for that, I must thank the friend who posted it on FB. And no matter how many times I've looked at the picture since the party or will look at it in the future, there's no way I'm going to ever learn to "tolerate" it.

Note: I'd post the picture here, but can't bring myself to do it. A couple months down the road after I've lost some weight, I think I'll start posting some 'before' shots.

skinny vs. thin vs. fit

I guess it's not necessarily that I want to be skinny. I don't want to look like some kind of waif who is in desperate need of a sandwich. I just want to be thinner than I am about 60-80 pounds. I also want very much to get back into the great physical shape I was in in my mid-twenties when I was going to the gym five times a week. Many times I'll talk myself out of this goal for it being 'unrealistic' to look the way I did back then...but then I figure "Why the hell not?!?" Aren't the 30's the "new 20's"? And the 40's the "new 30's"? (So on and so forth until society is finally able to be happy with itself at any age.) I have several friends who are in FANTASTIC physical shape...probably more so now than they were 10-15 years ago. I have great muscle tone...I know it's all there under the layers of nacho-infused I'm sure it will be easy to get it to come back around. I just need to do it!!!

Blogging Virgin

I've wanted to start a blog for some time now -- today I got around to actually doing it! And this is my first time, so I'm not exactly sure what to bear with me.

Knowing that I wanted it to be about being chubby, I wanted to come up with a title that was creative & funny. I was chatting with my friend Jen (, throwing around some ideas. She came up with "Baby Got Back" and I instantly thought of "Baby Got Back Fat" was perfect!! So thank you, Jen Ho-ho-knee, for your help in creating a funny title.

Why is 'Back Fat' so perfect in my blog title? Because when I discovered that I actually had back fat, which was right after I had my first child, I realized that it was official -- I was fat!! That day was a tough one. I was at Nordstrom trying on bras...enormous bras because I had recently had a baby and although I was no longer breast feeding, my boobs were still huge. I was in the fitting room surrounded by mirrors, checking out the rear view fit of a bra and holy shit!...what did I see?...back fat!!! I couldn't believe it! I knew that I had put on some weight, but c'mon...back fat?!? EWWWWW! I cried.

That day, although sad, was a turning point for me - my brain switched into uber determination mode...determined to lose some weight. I was enrolled in Weight Watchers at that time and had been doing okay...but not my new found determination was very beneficial to me. I literally didn't have to try to not eat...I didn't feel starved or deprived...I didn't secretly long for cookies or nachos or cookies...I just didn't want it. It was amazing!! And I actually lost a lot of weight...for two weeks. This amazing sense of willpower that seemed so natural had run out. Dammit!! And I was just starting to really look and feel good. So that's the other part of my dilemma - my reason for starting this voice the frustration of inconsistencies in my motivation & willpower. If back fat can't keep me from eating everything in sight and send me into high gear for losing weight, what the hell will?

Fast foward 7 years. My first baby...the one who was responsible for my introduction to back fat (yes, I'm blaming it on her!) will be in the 2nd grade this fall, and my 2nd child will be in Kindergarten. And I'm still fat!!...even fatter!! I can no longer use the excuse "I just had a baby" (for obvious reasons), nor can I blame things on a jacked up thyroid or anything like that. Having babies does screw up your body, but that's a lousy excuse. So what's my problem?!? My back fat has doubled in size, my belly fat is expanding, my arms are as big as my head, and my thighs look like giant hams!!! (Thank you Stef for the ham thigh idea.) I'm completely out of shape...all flappy and waggley (Anne...thank you)...and I'm only 36 years old. Something has got to change!!

So there you have it: my reasons for creating this blog. To vent, bitch, and moan about my weight...but not to just hear myself talk. I'm expecting this blog to be therapeutic, to allow me to laugh at myself, and to hold me accountable to those who read it (even if it's just a couple of friends) to finally lose some weight and get in shape. And if I get others piping in to do the same about their own struggle...great. If people have tips, ideas, words of encouragement for me...that's great too. So here I go!!

Damn, all this typing has made me hungry...pass the nachos.